| 1. |
Doctor: |
"How did that make you feel?" |
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Patient: |
"Well, the guy kidnapped me, so I was kind of scared. But he was an okay guy and we ended up having some fun...before the cops shot him." |
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Doctor: |
"What kind of fun did you have together?" |
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Patient: |
"All kinds of fun. We robbed some stores, ran from the cops, that sort of stuff." |
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Doctor: |
"And you found this to be fun?" |
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Patient: |
"Oh sure! I mean I was dressed up in a Casper costume half the time. Casper! How fun is that?! You can't beat Casper!" |
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| 2. |
Doctor: |
"How did that make you feel?" |
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Patient: |
"What, the goocher?" |
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Doctor: |
"Yes, the goocher. How did you feel when you saw it?" |
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Patient: |
"How the hell do you think I felt? I just about crapped my Tuffskins. Sincerely. And I hadn't done that since my older brother and his gang of thug friends literally beat the crap out of me months earlier." |
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Doctor: |
"So, you didn't like the goocher?" |
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Patient: |
"No! I was scared to death of the freaking goocher! Jeezum crow, how much am I paying you?!" |
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| 3. |
Doctor: |
"You say he was wrong for your mother, and yet you liked him a lot." |
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Patient: |
"Yeah, I liked him. I was a little kid growing up without a father. My mother could've dated a tree stump and I would've been happy." |
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Doctor: |
"Yet you thought this man was stupid?" |
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Patient: |
"Well, like I said, I didn't really realize it then, although I should have. I mean, warning flags should have gone up in my mind when I found out he didn't know how much a human head weighs. He didn't even know that bees and dogs can smell fear. I mean, everybody knows that, right? Hell, if it wasn't related to sports, then this guy didn't have a clue." |
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Doctor: |
"Bees can smell fear?" |
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| 4. |
Doctor: |
"What happened next?" |
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Patient: |
"He was very angry with my mother, so he took her outside and chopped her finger off. As if not being able to speak wasn't bad enough, now she couldn't play her music anymore. Not until she got a fake finger, anyway." |
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Doctor: |
"How did he find out that your mother had been unfaithful again?" |
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Patient: |
"Um...well...I kind of told him." |
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Doctor: |
"You told him?" |
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Patient: |
"I was very mad at her." |
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Doctor: |
"Ask me how that makes me feel." |
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Patient: |
"What do you mean?" |
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Doctor: |
"Ask me how that makes me feel. Go on. Don't be afraid." |
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Patient: |
"Um...How does that make you feel?" |
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Doctor: |
"You suck." |
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| 5. |
Doctor: |
"Tell me what happened next." |
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Patient: |
"Well, we got out and she told me that she was faster than me, that she'd always be faster than me." |
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Doctor: |
"How did that make you feel?" |
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Patient: |
"I was just a little girl. It made me sad." |
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Doctor: |
"Was she?" |
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Patient: |
"Sad?" |
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Doctor: |
"Faster than you." |
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Patient: |
"She was a freaking adult! I was just a little kid!" |
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Doctor: |
"Was she faster than you? Don't be afraid." |
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Patient: |
"Yes, she was faster than me!" |
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Doctor: |
"You're an adult now. Is she still faster than you?" |
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Patient: |
"My mother died years ago." |
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Doctor: |
"She's not then?" |
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Patient: |
"My God, how much am I paying you? I don't think she makes it to the pool much these days." |
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Doctor: |
"I really liked her movies." |
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| 6. |
Doctor: |
"So you didn't like this woman?" |
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Patient: |
"Didn't like her? She was pure evil. She had a thing she called 'The Chokie' that she used to throw us kids in. It was basically a torture device." |
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Doctor: |
"How did it make you feel?" |
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Patient: |
"Tortured. But I had the last laugh." |
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Doctor: |
"Oh? How's that?" |
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Patient: |
"Well, I have telekinetic powers, have I mentioned that? And one day I really messed her up by levitating her and making things fly around the house, and just basically scared the shit out of her. She was never the same after that." |
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Doctor: |
"Okay, let's talk about these telekenetic delusions of yours. Now we both know you possess no such powers." |
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Patient: |
"I'm pretty sure I do." |
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Doctor: |
"Put me down." |
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| 7. |
Doctor: |
"Why didn't you want to take the challenge? It was a gameshow, after all." |
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Patient: |
"I was always the one. This time I just didn't want to do it." |
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Doctor: |
"So what did you do?" |
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Patient: |
"I peed myself." |
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Doctor: |
"HA! I mean...right on live television? How did that make you feel?" |
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Patient: |
"A little relieved." |
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Doctor: |
"I see." |
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Patient: |
"Have I told you about the raining frogs?" |
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| 8. |
Doctor: |
"How do you feel he betrayed you?" |
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Patient: |
"He was my friend." |
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Doctor: |
"And?" |
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Patient: |
"Well, it turns out he was dead all along, just like all the people I was trying to tell him about." |
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Doctor: |
"How did that make you feel?" |
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Patient: |
"To find out my best friend, my ONLY friend, was actually a walking corpse?" |
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Doctor: |
"Yes, that whole thing. How did it make you feel?" |
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Patient: |
"How do you think it made me feel, Sherlock? I didn't like it. Jesus, how much am I paying you?!" |
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| 9. |
Doctor: |
"You were the best of friends. Why did your friendship end?" |
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Patient: |
"He was killed by bees." |
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Doctor: |
"Killer bees?" |
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Patient: |
"Regular ones. He was allergic, and there were just too many of them. So he died." |
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Doctor: |
"How did that make you feel?" |
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Patient: |
"Well, at first I was kind of sad and stuff. He was my best friend and all. But when I thought about it later, I was kind of happy." |
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Doctor: |
"Because of the time you spent together before he died?" |
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Patient: |
"Well, yeah, sure, that and the fact that I'm not allergic to bees." |
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| 10. |
Doctor: |
"She was..." |
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Patient: |
"Eighty." |
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Doctor: |
"And you were..." |
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Patient: |
"Twenty." |
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Doctor: |
"And you two..." |
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Patient: |
"Were in love." |
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Doctor: |
"Yeah, but, I mean, you..." |
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Patient: |
"Had sex." |
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Doctor: |
"Wow. I thought your morbid obsession with suicide was sick, but this..." |
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Patient: |
"Takes the cake." |
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Doctor: |
"You said it." |
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| 11. |
Doctor: |
"So you say this experience left emotional scars on you?" |
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Patient: |
"I spent several years under the freaking water staring up at the Blue freaking Fairy! And she never came to life! There's not a soul on this planet that wouldn't have emotional scars after that!" |
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Doctor: |
"Now, if you really spent several years under the water, as you claim, then you'd surely be dead. I don't know anyone who can hold their breath for longer than a few minutes, let alone several years." |
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Patient: |
"I'm a freaking robot, you moron!" |
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Doctor: |
"I see. Why didn't you rust?" |
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Patient: |
"I'm a freaking ADVANCED robot!" |
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Doctor: |
"I see." |
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| 12. |
Doctor: |
"Do you feel you had a happy childhood?" |
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Patient: |
"Now that's pod racing!!" |
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Doctor: |
"I'm sorry, what's pod racing?" |
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Patient: |
"Now that's pod racing!!" |
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Doctor: |
"That's great. Why don't we discuss your parents..." |
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Patient: |
"Now that's pod racing!!" |
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Doctor: |
"Okay, look, I can't help you if you're not ready to help yourself." |
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Patient: |
"Now that's pod racing!!" |
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Doctor: |
"That's it, this session's over. You're not paying me enough to deal with this shit. Get out of my office." |
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Patient: |
"Now that's pod racing!!" |