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In Therapy
A couple of months ago, The Boyz at FilmWise received a request from some students at Villanova. They were putting together a "FilmWise knock-off" (their words) for their senior project and asked if we'd let them use a couple of our quizzes. In the interest of education (and just cuz they seemed like nice guys), we agreed. So we provided them with a couple of quizzes, they put together some of their own, and the result is a site called Screen-Play, which is now up and active.

"In Therapy" is a joint quiz, co-written by the Villanova Boyz and the FilmWise Boyz. You'll find this quiz (with some different questions) on their site, along with several others, and they'd love to get your opinions on their project. So, if you get a chance, check out Screen-Play and let them know what you think!

1. Therapist: "Think of my office as a nest in a tree of trust and understanding. We can say anything here."
  Patient #1: "Anything?"
  Patient #2: "It's okay, honey, that's why we came."
  Patient #1: "Well, uh, I guess I...deep down, I'm feeling a little confused. I mean, suddenly you get married and you're supposed to be this entirely different guy. I, I don't feel different. I mean, take, take yesterday, for example. We were, we were out at the Olive Garden for dinner, which was lovely. And, uh, I happened to look over at a certain point in the meal and see a waitress taking an order, and, uh, and I found myself wondering what color her underpants might be. Her panties. Uh, odds are they're probably basic white, cotton underpants. But I started thinking, well, maybe they're, maybe they're, maybe they're silk panties. Maybe, maybe it's, maybe it's a thong. Maybe it's, uh, maybe it's something really cool that I don't even know about. You know? And I started feeling..."
  Patient #2: "Huh."
  Patient #1: "What? What, I thought we were in the trust tree with, in the nest. Are we not?"
2. Therapist: "So, why do you use the word 'trapped'?"
  Patient: "Huh?"
  Therapist: "Why do you say you feel 'trapped' in a man's body?"
  Patient: "Well, sometimes I get the menstrual cramps real hard."
3. Patient: "I did it, didn't I? But I don't feel like I killed someone."
  Therapist: "David--"
  Patient: "I feel like I'm in a dream."
  Therapist: "Who was the man at the restaurant? Sometimes, the mind behaves as if it were in a dream. Faces change, people become other people. The subconscious is a powerful thing. You treated Julie carelessly, didn't you? Your feelings of responsibility or guilt over Julie might've easily turned Sofia into Julie. Do you know what derangement is?"
  Patient: "I need your help."
  Therapist: "All I know is, you killed your girlfriend, and I don't know what's in your mind."
4. Patient: "It's this whole gung ho, superorganism thing that, that, you know, I can't get. I try, but I don't get it. I mean, what is it? I'm supposed to do everything for the colony. And, and what about my needs? What about me? I've gotta believe there's someplace out there that's better than this. Otherwise, I would just curl up in a larval position and weep. The whole system makes me feel...insignificant."
  Therapist: "Excellent! You've made a real breakthrough."
  Patient: "I have?"
  Therapist: "Yes, Z. You are insignificant."
  Patient: "I am?"
5. Therapist: "What brings you here with us today?"
  Patient #1: "Well, I just met my dad really for the first time five days ago."
  Patient #2: "I was partially frozen his whole life."
  Therapist: "That is beautiful that you can admit to that."
  Patient #1: "He comes back and, and now he wants me to take over the family business."
  Patient #2: "But Scott, who's gonna take over the world when I die?"
  Therapist: "Listen to the words he used. 'Who's going to take over the world when I die?' It feels like that to some of us sometimes, doesn't it? So, what do you want to do, Scott?"
  Patient #1: "I don't know, I was thinking I like animals. Maybe I'd be a vet."
  Patient #2: "An evil vet?"
  Patient #1: "No. Maybe, like, work in a petting zoo."
  Patient #2: "An evil petting zoo?"
  Patient #1: "You always do that! I just think, like, he hates me. I really think he wants to kill me."
  Therapist: "Now, Scott, we don't want to kill each other in here. We might say that we do sometimes, but we really don't."
  Patient #2: "Actually, the boy's quite astute. I really am trying to kill him, but, so far, unsuccessfully. He's quite wily, like his old man."
6. Patient: "...All of a sudden, it was like I couldn't breathe. I mean, I was, I was, I felt like I was gonna die. So I pulled off the road and I just sorta stopped in this...I guess it was a rest area. I was just kind of shaking and--"
  Therapist: "You know, rest areas are homosexual hangouts."
  Patient: "Hm?"
  Therapist: "Highway rest areas. They're the bathhouses of the '90s for many, many, many gay men."
  Patient: "So what, what are you...what are you saying?"
  Therapist: "Oops. Time, she's up. We'll delve into that next week."
7. Therapist: "When was the last time you were in one, you know, a relationship?"
  Patient: "With a woman? A long time ago."
  Therapist: "Five years? Ten years?"
  Patient: "Keep going, man."
  Therapist: "What was her name?"
  Patient: "Heather."
  Therapist: "Were you married?"
  Patient: "Mm hm."
  Therapist: "Kids?"
  Patient: "Maybe."
  Therapist: "You haven't seen her since?"
  Patient: "Look, she left me with a black eye, which I gave her, and a bun in the oven, which might've come from anyone. So no, I haven't. Look, doc, I spent last Tuesday watching fibers on my carpet. And the whole time I was watching my carpet, I was worrying that I might vomit. And the whole time I was thinking, 'I'm a grown man. I should know what goes on in my head.' And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I should just blow my brains out and end it all. But then I thought, when I, well if I thought more about blowing my brains out, I started worrying about what that was going to do to my goddamn carpet. Okay? So...that was a good day, doc! And, and I just want you to give me some pills and let me get on with my life."
8. Therapist: "I'm a psychiatrist. I work for the County, I don't work for the police. My only concern is your well being. Do you understand that?"
  Patient: "I need to go now."
  Therapist: "I'm going to be completely honest. I'm not going to lie to you. I can't make the police let you go, but I do want to help you. And I want you to trust me. Can you do that, James? May I call you James?"
  Patient: "James? Nobody ever calls me that."
  Therapist: "Have you been a patient at County? Have I seen you someplace?"
  Patient: "No, not possible. Listen, I have to get out of here. I'm supposed to be getting information."
  Therapist: "What kind of information?"
  Patient: "It won't help you. You can't do anything about it. You can't change anything."
  Therapist: "Change what?"
  Patient: "I need to go."
9. Patient: "She and her best friend aren't speaking, doctor. And in her diary, she keeps mentioning this boy."
  Therapist: "And how do you feel about that?"
  Patient: "Well, I'm worried."
  Therapist: "You read her diaries?! Oh, that's gross! That's bad. 'Bad Mom' award."
  Patient: "But I'm concerned, doctor, that she and this boy might be, I mean, you know."
  Therapist: "Stop! Stop! Nothing is going on between her and this guy. Because if there was, she wouldn't be writing about it in her diary. She'd be out there doing it. And her best friend probably isn't talking to her because she probably likes this guy too. And he probably even flirted with her a little bit, but he secretly likes your daughter. He just hasn't made his move yet, because that wouldn't be cool. So now her best friend is acting like some psycho freak. Okay?"
  Patient: "That's very, uh, interesting. I never would've thought about it that way."
  Therapist: "Cool, guess we're done."
10. Patient: "He came back again last night and tore me like paper. He opened me like a flower of pain... and it felt good. He sank into me and set me on fire like he always does. Made me burn from the inside out."
  Therapist: "How did you know it was the devil?"
  Patient: "I know what you're thinking. I know you think I'm talking about my stepfather, because you don't believe in the devil."
  Therapist: "Okay, let's talk about your stepfather."
  Patient: "You know about my stepfather. You know I cut his throat. I cut his Adam's apple in half, like a piece of fruit on a summer day, so he wouldn't say a word. I sat next to him and watched him die...slowly."
11. Patient: "Do you find it hard to hide the fact that you're gay?"
  Therapist: "What are...talking...about...what?"
  Patient: "Look buddy, a few seconds ago you were ready to give me a jump."
  Therapist: "A jump? I, I'm terribly sorry, I--"
  Patient: "Hey, I don't have a problem with it. I don't care if you putt from the rough."
12. Patient: "I'm sorry about that. Sorry about what I did."
  Therapist: "It's alright."
  Patient: "I wanted to ask you something, cuz you're a doctor, right?"
  Therapist: "Yeah."
  Patient: "I don't like myself sometimes. Can you help me?"
  Therapist: "Barry, I'm a dentist. What kind of help do you think I can give you?"
13. Therapist: "And do you see any pattern here?"
  Patient: "What do you mean?"
  Therapist: "Well, last week, we were talking about your obsession with families of airline fatalities. Now we're talking about your concern over the garbage problem."
  Patient: "Yeah. So?"
  Therapist: "Well, if you think about it, I think you'll see that the object of your obsession is invariably something negative which you have no control over."
  Patient: "Yeah, but how many people do you think run around obsessing over how great and how happy things are? I mean, maybe they do, but I don't think they're in therapy. Anyway, being happy isn't all that great. I mean, the last time I was really happy, I got so fat. I must have put on 25 pounds. I thought John was gonna have a stroke."
14. Therapist: "And how is this different?"
  Patient: "I don't kill myself at the end."
  Therapist: "Do you see this as something positive?"
  Patient: "Gee, well, I don't know."
  Therapist: "How do you feel at the end?"
  Patient: "Much better. I wake up happy, feeling good, but then I get very depressed, because I'm living in reality."
  Therapist: "And what about your family?"
  Patient: "Trish is good to me."
  Therapist: "But, still no sex?"
  Patient: "No, but she's not too interested either, so really, there's no problem there...when you think about it...on a certain level."
15. Therapist: "Tell me about your honoring ceremony tomorrow."
  Patient: "Oh, that's bullshit. It's ironic that the same school that threw me out years ago now wants to honor me."
  Therapist: "Why'd they throw you out?"
  Patient: "Because I was not interested in college. I wanted to be a writer. That's all I cared about was writing. I did not care about the real world. I cared only about the world of fiction. And, plus, I tried to give the dean's wife an enema so they didn't take kindly to that."
16. Patient: "I got invited to my ten-year high school reunion. I'm conflicted. I mean, I don't know if I really wanna go. It's in Detroit, and I grew up there, but I just honestly don't know what I have in common with those people anymore. You know, with anyone, really. I mean, they'll all have husbands and wives and children and houses and dogs and, you know, they'll have made themselves a part of something, and they can talk about what they do, and what am I gonna say? 'I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork. How have you been?' I'm just thinking it'd be depressing. It'll be depressing. Shouldn't you be taking notes or something?"
  Therapist: "I'm not taking notes, Martin, because I'm not your doctor."
  Patient: "Please don't start with that stuff again."
  Therapist: "Martin, I'm emotionally involved with you."
  Patient: "How are you emotionally involved with me?"
  Therapist: "I'm afraid of you."
17. Therapist: "Now then, each of these slides needs a reply from one of the people in the picture. You tell me what you think the person would say, alright?"
  Patient: "Righty-right."
  Therapist: "'Isn't the plumage beautiful?'"
  Patient: "I just say what the other person would say? 'Isn't the plumage beautiful?' Um..."
  Therapist: "Don't think about it too long. Say the first thing that pops into your mind."
  Patient: "Cabbages. Knickers. Uh, it's not got a beak."
  Therapist: "Good!"
18. Patient: "So, I was sitting in my cubicle today and I realized, ever since I started working, um, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life."
  Therapist: "What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?"
  Patient: "Yeah."
  Therapist: "Wow, that's messed up. I'm sorry. Go on."
  Patient: "Is there any way that you could sort of just zonk me out so that, like, I, I don't know that I'm at here? Could I come home and think that I've been fishing all day or something?"
19. Patient: "I couldn't get it up last night."
  Therapist: "Do you mean sexually?"
  Patient: "I mean for the game against Michigan State. Of course, sexually! What's the matter with you?"
  Therapist: "Can I get this straight? You flew 1,500 miles, and you dragged me out of bed because you couldn't get an erection?"
  Patient: "Don't that prove I'm motivated?"
20. Therapist: "What is your worst memory of childhood?"
  Patient: "The death of my father."
  Therapist: "Tell me about it and don't lie, or I'll know."
  Patient: "He was the town marshal and one night he surprised two burglars coming out of the back of a drugstore. They shot him."
  Therapist: "Was he killed outright?"
  Patient: "No. He was very strong, he lasted more than a month. My mother died when I was very young, father had become the whole world to me. When he left me, I had nothing. I was ten years old."
  Therapist: "You're very frank, Clarice. I think it would be quite something to know you in private life."
  Patient: "Quid pro quo, doctor."