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Jail Jabber
Movie characters are constantly doing naughty stuffages to get thrown in the slammer. Or, as in several of the examples below, they get framed. Either way, they end up behind bars. See how many of the following con-versations (Get it? CON-versations? HA!) you can recognize. And remember: Say no to drugs. And: Use a handgun, go to prison. And: Skateboarding is not a crime.
1. Prisoner #1: "Tell us how you cut him."
  Prisoner #2: "Hey, I didn't cut him with no knife, man."
  Prisoner #3: "But you told me last night you cut the dude."
  Prisoner #2: "It was with these I cut him. I am a chain belt in Kung Fu. Bruce Lee was my teacher. Watch this. Woop! HAA! Agai! Woop! Woop! Agai! Ayahhhh! Woop! Iguh! Hiya! Woo! Woo! Ha! Ha! Woop! Agai! Bin! Ha! Haaaaaaaaaa... Watah! Tidah! That's called the quart of blood technique. You do that, a quart of blood will drop out of a person's body."
2. Warden: "Alcatraz was built to keep all the rotten eggs in one basket, and I was specially chosen to make sure that the stink from the basket does not escape. Since I've been warden, a few people have tried to escape. Most of them have been recaptured. Those that haven't have been killed or drowned in the bay. No one has ever escaped from Alcatraz. And no one ever will."
3. Prisoner #1: "She's not my girlfriend. I find her interesting because she's a client and because she sleeps above her covers. Four feet above the covers. She barks. She Drools. She claws."
  Prisoner #2: "It's not the girl, Peter, it's the building. Something terrible is about to enter our world, and this building is obviously the door."
4. Prisoner: "Yeah, that's right, that's right. We bad!"
5. Prisoner #1: "That's great. That's great. You get me in jail here with Peter Lorre's son. 'Oh, come on, we have to be pimps. Let's be pimps.'"
  Prisoner #2: "Well, we couldn't be doctors. We were rolling there for a while, though, huh? Cash, clothes. I'll tell you something, Chuck. You couldn't do what we did in Russia. You know? Seriously."
6. Prisoner: "All I did was kiss a girl."
  Visitor: "That's why they got you in jail?"
  Prisoner: "Yeah, I kissed a girl. And, um, and this guy didn't like it, and so then we had some words, so I decided to get outta there. So I did! I, I got outta there. You know me, I don't want no trouble. And so, I walked out in the street, and this fella tries to shoot me in the back."
  Visitor: "You had to kill him?"
  Prisoner: "No, no, I winged him and he dropped his gun."
  Visitor: "You're in here for winging a guy?"
  Prisoner: "No, not exactly, cuz, see, then his friend opened up on me."
  Visitor: "What friend's that?"
  Prisoner: "The one with the shotgun."
  Sheriff: "The dead one."
  Visitor: "Jake, Jake, I'm gonna ask you once: Was it self-defense?"
  Prisoner: "Honest to God, Emmett, he would've killed me."
  Sheriff: "The jury saw it differently."
7. Prisoner: "'..In addition, the library district has generously responded with a charitable donation of used books and sundries. We trust this will fill your needs. We now consider the matter closed. Please stop sending us letters.'"
  Guard #1: "I want all of this cleared out before the warden gets back."
  Prisoner: "Yes, sir."
  Guard #2: "Good for you, Andy."
  Prisoner: "Wow. It only took six years. From now on, I'll write two letters a week instead of one."
  Guard #2: "I believe you're crazy enough. Now, you better get all this stuff outta here like the captain said. Now, I'm gonna go pinch a loaf. When I come back, this is all gone, alright?"
8. Counselor: "So, why do you use the word 'trapped'?"
  Prisoner: "Huh?"
  Counselor: "Why do you say you feel 'trapped' in a man's body?"
  Prisoner: "Well, sometimes I get the menstrual cramps real hard."
9. Prisoner: "If I get a good lawyer and strike up a deal, I could be out of here in about ten thousand years. You're taking a chance coming here. Your boyfriend might be a little upset."
  Visitor: "He's going to the charity ball tonight. He's gonna do something terrible."
  Prisoner: "Like what? The Lambada?"
  Visitor: "Stanley, this is serious. There's gotta be a way to stop him. How does it work?"
  Prisoner: "I don't know. It's like, uh... It's like it brings your innermost desires to life. If deep down inside, you're a little repressed and a hopeless romantic, you become some sort of love-crazy wild man."
  Visitor: "And if you're somebody like Dorian?"
  Prisoner: "Then we're all in big trouble."
10. Prisoner #1: "I'm gonna kill you!"
  Prisoner #2: "Wait, hold on."
  Prisoner #1: "You're the worst Mullinski I ever seen. Not only that, man, you added six months to my sentence."
  Prisoner #2: "Six months. Six months? Who cares about six months?! I just got three fucking years, man!"
  Prisoner #1: "I want my money back, every cent, otherwise you're gonna die in this prison. You understand me?"
11. Prisoner: "I'm incarcerated, Lloyd!"
12. Prisoner #1: "We're gonna blow up L.A., bro. Ain't it cool?"
  Prisoner #2: "Oh right, rub my nose in it, why don't you? Ten million dollar design, and now those militia nut jobs get to keep their cash."
  Prisoner #1: "So fucking unfair. That bomb you built does deserve an audience. It's a work of art. It belongs in the Louvre."
  Prisoner #2: "Yes, it does. Oh, well. I guess the L.A. Convention Center will have to do."
13. Visitor: "Billy, what have they done to you?"
  Prisoner: "I love you."
  Visitor: "Billy, your family's fine. Senator Buckley's made a special plea on your behalf in the senate. They've called you a pawn in the poppy game between Nixon and the Turks. The letters are coming in, Billy. People do care."
  Prisoner: "Dress. Dress. Take off your dress."
  Visitor: "What?"
  Prisoner: "(unintelligible)... Take it off. Take it off."
  Visitor: "Oh, Billy..."
14. Visitor: "Come on. Touch it."
  Prisoner: "Huh?"
  Visitor: "Come on, you need human contact. Touch it."
  Prisoner: "I will not touch it. What're you doing? Stop it. Stop it!"
  Visitor: "I know how you're feeling right now."
  Prisoner: "Stop it, stop it. Don't do that!"
  Visitor: "I'm here for you."
  Prisoner: "Don't do that! Jesus Christ, you're gonna get me killed! Get me outta here!"
  Visitor: "Oh, Billy! (weeps)... I'm just messing with you. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Remember 'Midnight Express'? Oliver Stone won the Academy Award for best screenplay. Awesome, awesome scene."
15. Warden: "I believe in two things: discipline and the Bible. Here, you'll receive both. Put your trust in the Lord. Your ass belongs to me."
16. Prisoner: "You can't keep me here, chief."
  Chief: "Maybe I'm not gonna keep you in here. Maybe I'm gonna blow your brains out."
  Prisoner: "Well now, I'm no lawyer, but I do believe that's a violation of my rights."
17. Prisoner #1: "Hey. Sign says 'shut the fuck up,' or can't you fellas read?"
  Prisoner #2: "Who the fuck you talking to, man? You got a problem over there, Foley?"
  Prisoner #1: "Yeah, I got a problem. This is the dumbest fucking shakedown in the history of dumb shakedowns. Five hundred bucks for a pillow?"
  Prisoner #2: "That's right."
  Prisoner #3: "It does seem a little high, doesn't it?"
  Prisoner #2: "Shut up, Dick."
  Prisoner #1: "Must be a nice pillow."
  Prisoner #2: "Full goose down."
18. Prisoner: "Gonna make it. Gonna make it. Gonna make it. Gonna make it. Never make it never make it never make it never make it. Gonna make it. Gonna make it. Gonna make it. Gonna make it. Gonna make it. Gonna make it. Gonna make it. Gonna make it. Gonna make it. Gonna make it. Ha! I made it! ... Ow."
19. Prisoner #1: "This is how it ends for the greatest criminal mind of our time. Not with a whimper. Not with a bang. How do they choose to reward (name deleted), the greatest genius in this world? Do they give him glory? Do they give him treasure? What, matter of fact, do they give him?"
  Guard: "Life plus twenty-five, (name deleted). Get to work."
  Prisoner #2: "Don't feel bad, Mr. (name deleted). It almost worked. I mean, California almost fell down right in the ocean. Millions of people was almost killed."
20. Prisoner #1: "They released me to the yard."
  Prisoner #2: "He wants to kill you for sure."
  Prisoner #1: "Nah, he's pushing me. He wants me to jump the wall. He's pushing me."
  Prisoner #2: "It's thirty below out there."
  Prisoner #1: "I'm going. You coming? Are you coming? I'll wait for you."
  Prisoner #2: "No, brother. This is home. I run things around here. I can't take these ass-kickings like I used to."
  Prisoner #1: "I can make it."
  Prisoner #2: "Then get on, brother, and do it."
  Prisoner #1: "I will."
  Prisoner #2: "Whatever happens, don't let 'em bring you back here, man."
  Prisoner #1: "Yeah, I'll find something. Nice joint in the sun."
  Prisoner #3: "Manny, the bull's on the stairs. Let's split!"
21. Prisoner: "I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living, or get busy dying."
22. Sheriff: "Now, the Duck of Death is as good as dead, because Corky does it right. He aims real careful. No hurry."
  Prisoner: "And?"
  Sheriff: "BAM! That Walker Colt blew up in his hand, which was a failing common to that model. You see, if Corky hadda had two guns, instead of just a big dick, he would've been there right to the end to defend himself."
  Prisoner: "Wait a minute. You mean that English Bob killed him when he didn't even have --"
  Sheriff: "Well, old Bob wasn't gonna wait for Corky to grow a new hand. No, he just walked over there real slow, cuz he's drunk, and shoots him right through the liver."
23. Prisoner: "It's so shameful."
  Visitor: "Whatever it is, Brooke, it could save you."
  Prisoner: "No, that's just it. It would ruin me."
  Visitor: "How?"
  Prisoner: "I've made my fortune on the ability to perfect women's bodies with Brooke's Butt-Buster workouts."
  Visitor: "I know, you helped me go from a six to a four."
  Prisoner: "That's great! Um, on the day of Hayworth's murder... (unintelligible) ..."
  Visitor: "What?"
  Prisoner: "I was getting... (unintelligible) ..."
  Visitor: "Huh?"
  Prisoner: "Liposuction!!"
24. Prisoner: "Roxanne, you don't have to work for money."
  Cop: "Is that him?"
  Prisoner: "You don't have to sell your body to the night. Rox -- red light."
  Cop: "Hey."
  Prisoner: "Put on the red light. Rox -- put on the red light. Roxanne, put on the --"
  Cop: "Hammond!"
  Prisoner: "Got a name, cop?"
25. Prisoner: "Zihuatanejo."